Wednesday, March 21, 2012

When Loving Yourself Is Hard....

About a month ago, while watching "Glee", Quinn Fabray learned that she'd gotten into Yale, despite going from most popular cheerleader to teen pregnancy to goth rebel to blackmailer. If there was a mistake to be made, Quinn made it.

Quinn said this to her Glee club friends on announcing her acceptance into Yale:
"I wasted so much time hating myself for the mistakes that I made ... I was the only one standing in the way of myself. You can't change your past but you can let go and start your future."
Yeah, I rewound the scene to make sure I got the quote right.

Loving yourself is hard when you hate yourself for the mistakes you've made.

In reality, I was loved and supported, but in that dark place I put myself, I couldn't see that.

I think part of the problem was that I felt I hadn't been punished enough for the mistakes I made. I've already shared once the dread I felt when I faced God with my mistakes.

All this to say that Quinn hit the nail right on the head.

I am the only one standing in the way of myself. I am the one who blows things out of proportion. I am the one who chooses to react instead of respond.

Thanks to God's love, my supportive loving husband and my therapist, I am learning to get out of my own way. I am learning to let go of my past and be present to God's gifts in front of me.

I still struggle. I suspect I always will. And Quinn will too (that is, if she survives the cliffhanger ending...). But like Quinn, and like me, you can find your way out of the morass of hating yourself.

Because I didn't do it on my own and neither did Quinn who had the support of teachers and fellow Glee club members, although not her family.

You are not alone. God is with you. God loves you more than either you or I can comprehend. Let God help.

And remind me of that the next time I freak out.

5 comments:

  1. Oh Lar,hugs and kisses,you are always loved by God and those closest to you.

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    1. I think it was also fear of disappointing the ones I loved and thus losing them. Which, of course, wasn't remotely true...

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  2. Great post! Also, it's nice to meet a fellow Gleek. :)

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    1. Mary! I knew there was a reason I liked reading your blog -- it's your inner Gleekiness :)

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  3. "I am the only one standing in the way of myself. I am the one who blows things out of proportion. I am the one who chooses to react instead of respond."
    -- Yes! I need to remind myself of this every day! That I'm the only one keeping a running lists of all my failures, mistakes, and other slip-ups. "The Lord... abounding in loving-kindness" surely isn't!

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