Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Have you ever felt like a fake?


Sometimes I feel like a fake Christian. There, I said it. 

Do you?

I am a Christ-follower when I count God's gifts, finding even the simplest gift on the darkest of days, sing God's praises on a Sunday and mean it, even coming to tears as I sing or pray.

I am a Christ-follower when I brainstorm ways to share the sure knowledge that God is love, and God loves you/me no matter what.

And then I forget God is even there, let alone good, let alone loves.

I curse, slam doors hard, burst into tears, and wonder Why? Why! What is the point of my existence?

What makes me cry out? Nights of broken sleep, cleaning up dog pee from the kitchen floor again, retrieving more paper towels from the garage, a fire extinguisher falling and landing on my toe… okay that last one is enough to make anyone cry out. But get angry?

I say, 'Sorry, God, I cannot pray to you today. I cannot shout with joy,' and crawl into bed ...

I apologize to God for being less than faithful in my prayer life, and close my eyes and breathe...

And I find that I have prayed to God after all. That the apology is a prayer, that retreating is a prayer, that breath is a prayer.

And though I am still exhausted from nights of poor sleep and my big toe aches, I get up.

And tired, I apply for another job. And tired, I curse myself out for forgetting to use a coupon. And tired, I retreat to a cafe, eat comfort food, drink a longed for cup of hot Earl Grey tea.

I read the Bible Challenge readings for the day while I eat. I start writing this post.

And I see I am all-too-human, and that this is okay. Being Christian doesn't mean being perfect.

We practice remembering God's love because sometimes we forget. Even after it becomes a habit, we forget.

And we may grieve, be angry, be afraid and forget God is there alongside us.

Loving us even as we forget, just waiting for us to remember again.

And I do remember again.

And give thanks for God who is faithful when I'm not, who rejoices at my return to trusting Him and loving Him.

Guess I'm not a fake after all. And I'm willing to bet you're not either.

Have you ever felt like a fake Christian? Did you overcome the feeling? How?

1 comment:

  1. I remember laying awake one night a few years ago with a strong sense of failure & condemnation as I replayed scenes in my mind of my shortcomings (Yes,sins!). I seriously wondered if I was really saved! It was a pretty scary feeling. Then I remembered 1 John 9 "If we confess our sins, He is faithful & just to forgive & cleanse us...",also verse 10, "If we say we have not sinned we make Him a liar..." I simply began asking God to forgive any sin that came to mind & soon felt a huge sense of peace & fell asleep. I've never had such strong fear again. Anyhow, I was blessed to read your words today! Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia

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