Friday, August 17, 2012

What does God want me to do?

statue @ Mt. Calvary
That's the question I've been pondering since I left work at the end of June.

I left, making grandiose statements like:
I had to clear the decks to answer that call: to ask, to listen, to obey. I know I am incredibly privileged to not have to work and be able to spend this time in discernment. 
and:
I've been told more than once that this will be really hard, to not be drawn back into that old way of being. 
But I've promised God to sit at His feet and learn what it is that he has in store for me next, and it wouldn't surprise me that I will discover a few new things about being in relationship with God in the process. 
I have to put to one side all speculation on the future, all that I am comfortable with now, all that others hope I will do, and allow God to reveal God's plan.

Wow. It really sounds like I've been peering closely at my navel and being super-holy, doesn't it?

Turns out, not so much. I've done very little sitting at his feet.

Yes, I've been doing lectio divina weekly (thanks to the Cup of Sunday Quiet podcast for making that resource available). A good chunk of my morning is spent reading, and I've been faithful to my prayer life. The week spent icon writing fulfilled this too.

Statue of Jesus @ Mt. Calvary
But even on retreat I didn't do a whole lot of listening. A whole lot of resting, yes, and watching woodpeckers tend to their nest.

The kind of listening I'm talking about is not my growing awareness of God at work in my world, but in the way of discernment. In the last week, I've become aware of this. That in reorganizing my day into blocks of prayer, work, reflection (which has been reading mostly) and art, I have failed to make that reflection block a truly reflective block.

I am hardly ever still.

I have replaced the busyness of work with another kind of busyness.


icon that I wrote
I know God is still talking to me through all this: that I need to transition, even grieve what once was, rest. I've even learned patience (more or less) during a week of icon writing. My art reflects my faith more and more.

So I suspect this is just another stage of transition and I am doing my usual thing on being hard on myself but also I am thinking through things aloud. I have the time to make the time to listen after all.

I hope I won't be linking to this post two months from now and wondering why I forget what God has taught me so often.

This post is prompted by reading a blog today. Over at The Poorganic Life, Katrina shared a truth straight out of scripture.
John 6:28-29
Then they said to him, ‘What must we do to perform the works of God?’ Jesus answered them, ‘This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.’
I commented on her blog saying,
Oh wow. Just what I wanted to hear this morning. I've been whining for a while: "But God, what do you want me to doooooooo" (insert wailing and gnashing of teeth). 
 “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.” 
Okay! I've been aware the past week that I haven't been making space for him. I need to stop keeping myself busy and start being. 
Wish me luck. 
Or better yet, pray for me.

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